The other day, I was contacted by a Belgian journalist who wanted to interview me for a story he was writing. I agreed to help but quickly became uncomfortable when he kept referring to me as Mrs. throughout our entire email exchange. Rather than confront this head on (which I should have done), I tried the indirect route and signed my emails as Dr. Riley Holden. I even went over my professional title so that Guy (his name, appropriately enough) would know how to list my credentials and refer to me in the story. Despite my efforts, he kept calling me Mrs.
I have long disliked the term Mrs. because the very nature of it is sexist. Men do not change their title based on their relationship status. They remain Mr. regardless of whether they’re single or married. The same is not true for women; we are Miss when single and Mrs. when married. Apparently, that was not always the case. All women used to be referred to as Mrs. – the feminine counterpart to Mr. – but at some point during the 17th century, things changed and women have since been designated by marital status. That is why I have long championed the title Ms. and, once I earned my Ph.D., asked to be referred to as Dr. So, after our next to last email exchange, I had to make a decision: did I want to point this out to Guy or should I let it go?
For most men, there probably wouldn’t have even been a question about what to do. Of course you alert him as to your correct title! However, like many women, I didn’t want to offend him. I knew that English was not Guy’s first language and suspected that part of the misunderstanding was due to the language barrier. Besides, I argued with myself, it’s not a huge deal. Despite this, I eventually decided that I needed to mention my preference because I was doing him a favor (as such, my comfort level is important) and much of the reason he wanted to interview me had to do with my job as a psychologist. Thus, in order for the interview to have the weight it should, he really needed to refer to me as Dr. and not Mrs.
In the end, I sent him an email telling him of my preference. As I thought he would be, Guy was immediately apologetic and blamed his misstep on his faulty command of English. Everything ended satisfactorily (although, since the article is in French, I have no idea how he ended up referring to me) but I began to wonder about the line between letting things go and needing to speak up. If I speak up every time someone does or says something sexist, it will quickly become exhausting and the significance of my objections will be undermined (e.g., “Oh, that Riley! She’s always complaining.”). However, if I rarely speak up, then people will not realize or understand that they’ve done something offensive or discriminatory and nothing will ever change.
So, I looked around for examples of how other women handled the small indignities. Actress 
Scarlett Johansson has shut down reporters who ask stupid questions. Johansson, who plays the Black Widow in the Avenger movies, continually gets asked about how she prepares to get into her tight costume and she makes no secret about her disgust. In one interview, she turned to Robert Downey Jr. (Ironman) and asked, “How come you get the really interesting existential question and I get the, like, ‘rabbit food’ question?” She then briefly answered the question. In another interview, she asked the reporter why her costars Chris Evans (Captain America) and Chris Hemsworth (Thor) were never asked how they prepared to get into their tight costumes.
Other women, like tennis players Serena Williams and Eugenie Bouchard, are less sharp about it. At the recent Australian Open, both players were asked by a male on-court interviewer to “give a twirl” to show off their outfits. Both complied even though they were clearly uncomfortable in doing so (Bouchard laughed and buried her face in her hands afterward). True to form, although the twirl request prompted an angry response on social media sites, others wondered what the big deal was.
Asked later about the twirl, the 20 year old Bouchard didn’t seem to know what to do. “It was very unexpected. I don’t know, an old guy asking you to twirl. It was funny.” However, Serena Williams tried to walk the middle ground: “A commentator asked me to twirl. I wouldn’t ask Rafa [Nadal] or Roger [Federer] to twirl. Whether it’s sexist or not, I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I didn’t really want to twirl because I was just like, you know, I don’t need all the extra attention. But, yeah, it was fine.” In other words, Williams pointed out that male players would never be asked to twirl because they are taken seriously. The focus for them is always on their ability to play tennis, not on what they look like.
But, of course, she didn’t want to offend anyone, so she shrugged off the humiliation: “I don’t think and look that deep into it. Life is far too short to focus on that. We have so many other problems we want to deal with that we should focus on. Whether I twirl or not, it’s not the end of the world. It’s about being positive and just moving forward.” OK, sure. I understand that twirling is not a huge deal but what Williams failed to realize is that it is indicative of a much larger, systemic problem.
Emphasizing women’s appearance over our abilities is a gigantic problem. You know, the old, “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it” type of attitude. It’s one reason why there is such a lack of female talent in the upper echelons of government, business, education, and in the entertainment industry. It’s one reason why there is such an abundance of women working in strip clubs, professional cheerleading, and other low-paying professions. If women’s abilities were emphasized more, then women’s participation in leadership and business positions would be more sought after and the women already there wouldn’t have to work so hard to look attractive. If you do not believe me, then ask yourself why it is that almost all the women in Congress and most of the women in higher business positions are attractive. The same is certainly not true for men.
In fact, emphasizing our appearance over our personhood, our marital status over our ability, are some of the reasons why men believe it is acceptable to treat women like we are there solely for their pleasure. How many times have women been told that the best way to get a man to back off is to tell him that you’re engaged/married/belong to another man? How many times have we been told to smile or have had someone comment (negatively or positively) upon our looks? I once had a man filling up his car nearby tell me that the contrast between my black workout pants and white legs was blinding; he then got offended when I didn’t smile or laugh at his witticism. A male FOX News commentator indicated that women would find him charming if he gave (only) the attractive ones a standing ovation as they passed by. After all, we should feel flattered by the attention, right? In her press conference, Williams subtly pointed out that she didn’t and Johansson has been quite clear that she wants to talk only about her character.
Yes, these are all small things but they add up to much bigger issues. So the question still remains as to where the line is on this. How much do we speak out about the small irritants and how many things do we let pass? I’m not certain of the answer but I do know that I try to speak up when I know I will regret it if I don’t and I always do so when I know other women need my support (which is why I appreciate Johansson’s disdain so much – girls in particular need to hear that). I also find myself speaking up more as I get older, as the importance of others’ opinions matters less. So, perhaps the answer is to find the balance between being comfortable with you and advancing the cause. After all, the more women who complain about sexist treatment, then the less acceptable it will be. And that would be progress.